Sunday, February 25, 2007

All oiled-up and looking to get scrod

I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say I’m not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Let’s keep it positive, okay? It’s not that we dislike you, the gay guy; it’s just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we compliantly spend in rehab undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is . . . heterosexual guys don’t “get” gays. Period.

Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet wants to be a woman? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also don’t care to try to because football is on—so can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch the game?!?

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Now, this doesn’t mean that heterosexuals hate you, the homosexual. It simply means we’re focused on women; which, by command, causes our paths of camaraderie to part. No, this is not a phobia and it doesn’t mean we loathe you. It’s simply the funk of nature. As a matter of fact, I have several friends that are gay. I kind of view them like dolphins; they’re fun, entertaining and creative. I truly enjoy their presence. I just don’t know what they get out of eating mullet. My homosexual acquaintances view me in a similar light.