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Faithful husband, soccer dad, basset owner, and former cowboy
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  • Friday, January 19, 2007

     

    Talking the talk for those who won't walk the walk

    I'm glad to see that help is on the way for the 101st Fighting Keyboarders who have come to realize that their well-thumbed copy of The Art of War won't get them into VFW Post 394's Beer N' Shots Night, nor will it win the day in these post-9/11 Battle For Future of (White) Mankind days. As we learned last night, not having any any military experience post-9/11 can be a real deal-breaker when it comes to being accepted as an authoritative voice on all things bang-bang! p-chow!p-chow! dukadukadukadukaduka! booosh! medic, I'm hit!

    That's why Austin Bay has created a perfect gift for the many, the not-much-to-be-proud-of, the sedentary house-bound virgins of the Warbloggeristan, Embrace the Suck ( and for anyone who has ever read Bay's The Wrong Side of Brightness , the man clearly knows what he is talking about when it comes to suck):

    What’s a blow-through? Have you ever met a road toad? Ever use a blue canoe?Want to know how to use mysterious acronyms like FIGMO, FAG and FIDO? These and many other indispensable terms are defined in Austin Bay’s Pocket Guide to Milspeak, a collection of current troop slang, military acronyms and other expressions derived from the Iraq War theater. Read this salty little volumeand we guarantee that you’ll be swearing like a soldier in no time.

    Col. Austin Bay: Iraq war vet, renowned blogger, syndicated columnist, novelist, radio commentator. No writer is more respected on military
    matters.
    (Pause here for uncontrollable laughter, hyperventilation, wiping tears from eyes, big deep sigh... continue)
    Now Col. Bay has turned his talents toward creating this first dictionary of “Milspeak”--the soldier's argot that is rich in irony, brutally efficient in conveying the immediacy and dangers of warfare, and can be a shorthand way for separating combat soldiers from fobbits.* The perfect gift for the soldier, sailor, marine or airman in your life—or for the Beltway Clerk** who yearns to sound like one. Also includes a select glossary of Pentagonese drawn from theofficial Department of Defense Dictionary of Military and Associated Terms.
    Now, for a mere $4, and after weeks of hard study including, but not limited to, highlighting terms and practicing in front of the mirror, members of the 101st can finally leave the house and saunter into any bar in America and hold court; "Yeah, I was in the suck. I was on an ADVON in the Anbar and my XO sent me forward to scout the Ali Babas and the ACM's. That was some bad juju, man. Barkeep!...Another Zima, and keep 'em coming."

    Next week, practicing your "Don't fuck with me, man, because I'm ready to blow..." stare as taught by one of the Santorum boys.


     

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