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Monday, May 01, 2006
Tell Rush urine our thoughts
Just one cup a week is all we ask 
I think it is safe to say that we have all been a bit hard on Rush Limbaugh.
Due to a back injury, and through no fault of his own, he became addicted to 'hillbilly heroin' forcing him to cruise doctors offices to accumulate 2,000 painkillers over a period of six months (not counting the painkillers he received from his housekeeper). One can imagine the shame of having to sit in waiting rooms on a daily basis reading back issues of People magazine among the common people suffering from lesser inconsequential illnesses, when all he really wanted was a simple prescription for OxyContin, or as Rush calls it: Sweet Oblivion On Loan From God. I imagine that it was a very degrading experience, possibly even more degrading than his any one of his three divorces or having the world know that he couldn't serve his country in the military because he was classified 1-Y (Unable To Wipe Properly), but you'd probably have to ask Rush. You can reach him at 1-800-282-2882 between the hours of 12 Noon and 3PM Eastern Time. Tell the screener that "Sergio" sent you. You'll get through.
But, just like his child-fathering years, most of that is behind him now although he does have to jump through a few humiliating privacy-invading hoops to clear his now devastated name:
Rush Limbaugh must submit to random drug tests under an agreement filed Monday that will dismiss a prescription fraud charge against the conservative commentator after 18 months if he complies with the terms.
He also must continue treatment for his acknowledged addiction to painkillers and he cannot own a gun.
The agreement did not call for Limbaugh to admit guilt to the charge that he sought a prescription from a physician in 2003 without revealing that he had received medications from another practitioner within 30 days. He pleaded not guilty Friday. As I have said so many times before: every American is entitled to the presumption of innocence until they plea bargain their way down to a lesser charge forgoing a nasty and protracted trial that most likely would have meant high ratings for Court TV as well as monologue-fodder on every late night show. It could happen to you. It could happen to me. Okay. It probably wouldn't since we are nobodies (and by "we", I mean you) and nobody cares (and by "nobody" I mean people other than me because I value your friendship and there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you) but you just never know, so why take chances?
Since Rush Limbaugh is a very important national figure and it is not the fault of the good people of Florida that this deeply patriotic man with an addictive personality chose to live in their state, I thought it might be a good idea to help defer some of the costs associated with their willingness to supervise some of our country's criminal elements (besides Jeb!s family, I mean). Therefore I would like to propose Operation Micturition .
Sterile urine specimen cups are relatively easy to obtain. You probably have a few sitting around the house that you never bothered to take back to the doctor because you started to feel better and that burning went away. We won't ask, you don't have to tell. Anyway, with a small box, a bit of packing tape, and a minimal amount of postage, you can provide Rush with all that he needs to pee for free for the great state of Florida.
Just send your cup to:
Rush "Rusty" Limbaugh
340 Royal Palm Way S-304
Palm Beach , FL. 33480
For the return address just write: From Sergio. That way we know he'll open it.
Imagine going to bed each night safe in the knowledge that, whenever Rush has to provide a sample for his caseworker, you will have had a hand in his peeing.
Okay. Now try imagining something pleasant and not quite so disgusting. Feel better? Good. Feeling good is good.
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