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Sunday, March 05, 2006
Reason #3,459 why Ann Althouse never gets called for a second date
(It would appear that I am now live blogging Ann Althouse who is live blogging the Oscars. Lucky me.)
Blogging the Oscars:
7 (Central Time): A slow-moving intro for Jon Stewart, showing Oscar hosts of the past declining to re-host. We see Billy Crystal and Chris Rock shacking up together in a tent, for the first gay joke of the night. The second one comes a minute later when we see Jon Stewart waking up in bed with George Clooney. It's funny, see? Because men having sex with each other is funny... or not... Stewart begin with a reference to "Death to Smoochy," which is what he always does on "The Daily Show" when he interviews a high-quality actor. "The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party" -- that gets a very mild laugh and I think I see suppressed panic on Stewart's face.
At this moment her date starts looking at his watch and mentioning to the humorless bint that he has to get up early the next day.
My own note so far: it looks like Dolly Parton's lips are attempting to match her boobs for body volume superiority. Have they always been like that?
(Added): More Althouse dyspepsia:
They waste our time with a clip of Tom Hanks demonstrating how award winners shouldn't waste our time.
[...]
Now, it's the Wilson brothers. They announce two awards no one cares about. Really, who even gets a chance to see the shorts? At least with the animated ones we get to get a look at some animation.
[...]
Russell Crowe robotically introduces a montage about biopics. "Pierre, we've discovered a new element." "If we win, well, then we'll have what none of us have ever had before: a country of our own." Yeah, there have been some pretty cool biopics over the year. But, generally, the genre is a big drag.
[...]
Rachel Weisz wins. She's wearing a black dress, which nicely supports big, swelling breasts, and she's got tastefully dangly diamond earrings. She says nothing notable.
What Weisz said:
Weisz thanked co-star Ralph Fiennes and director Fernando Meirelles, “and of course, John le Carre, who wrote this unflinching, angry story. And he really paid tribute to the people who are willing to risk their own lives to fight injustice. They’re greater men and women than I.”
"Nothing notable."
Jesus.
But wait! There's more:
Samuel Jackson tells us Hollywood is unafraid! Issue films change the world, don't you know? Montage time. "Call me Mr. Tibbs!" "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" A roomful of Hollywood prissily applauds itself. Stewart: "And none of those issues were ever a problem again."
...and Ann knows "prissily". She's soaking in it.
Salma Hayek busts out the non-neutrality by wearing a brilliant blue dress. She introduces the conductor, and the coolest part of this is not that we get to see where they tucked away the orchestra, but that the conductor has two packets of M&Ms. I'm using red wine to get me through this ordeal, but the maestro is going with the M&Ms, which, presumably, work too.
For the relief of the "ordeal" might we suggest a bottle of "Strong Rope and Stout Overhead Beam". It has a lovely finish.
Oh, boy. "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" is next. Someone fetch the laudanum. I sense an impending attack of the vapors. I mean, people with dark skin. What's up with that?
Back to Ann, who is so fucking put out about people in the film industry talking about the film industry on an awards show honoring...the film industry:
Jake Gyllenhall woodenly reads lines about how important it is to see movies on the big screen. Translation: please help us with our box office problem.
[...]
They end with the shot from "Gone With the Wind" that comes right before the intermission, which reminds me of one of the main reasons to prefer the home screen. You can break up the physical ordeal of sitting through it however you choose.
[...]
Next comes Jessica Alba to botch her lines along with some guy. The lines are about... damn, I don't know. I fast-forwarded. But "King Kong" got it. Oh, it's sound mixing. Dull!
[...]
Intro to another song. TiVo. Queen Latifah announces the song award, and the pimp song wins. "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp." The room is jubilant; America, perhaps not so. Stewart tries come up with a joke. Sound editing is the next award. A big bore, but they do another "Daily Show" fake ads thing.
[...]
Now, we need to endure Clooney again. "Academy Award winner, George Clooney." But it's the best part: "In Memoriam" -- the dead ones!
Because the only good movie artist is a dead artist.
For those who find Ms Althouse, oh, callow, pop on over to Pajamaline and take in Skippy Green:
Maybe you don't like his movies, but that M Night Shyamalan ad for Amex was pretty damn cool.
And like a Shyamalan movie, it had a crap ending.
Althouse starts to warm up. Or the wine loosens her up:
Will Smith hands out Best Foreign Language Film. He does some impressive fast-talking in some foreign languages. The winner is "Tsotsi," the South African film. Next, Film Editing. The winner is "Crash," which is a good choice. A lot was done with editing in that movie. Next, Best Actor! Hillary Swank presents (in black). As expected, the winner is Philip Seymour Hoffman. He's overwhelmed. He's got lots of folks to thank. He loves them. He loves him mom. "She took me to my first play.... Her passions became my passions."
9:54. It's John Travolta, introducing the Cinematography nominees. I only saw one of these: "Batman Begins," which I seriously doubt can win. Again, "Geisha" wins. It's doing well with the lesser awards. Jamie Foxx gets to do Best Actress. Here's our best hope for an emotive acceptance speech. Wow, Charlize Theron has a black dress with a pouf the size of her head on her shoulder. As expected, the winner is Reese Witherspoon. I love her in "Election." She's really cool, a distinctive actress today. That means something. She seems like a good person. "I'm just trying to matter and live a good life."
You see, cute-as-a-button Reese played a 'Murican icon. Her speech is good. Rachel Weisz? Anti-coporate foreigner. Bad speech.
And goes all bland for the big finish. Yes. It is possible for her to become even more bland. I'd stick around for her wrap-up but I don't really want to hear that Hollywood just repudiated homosexuality tonight and addressed racism even though she finds the notion of movies about racism bo-ring.
(Added): I apologize. She actually liked Crash. There is hope. Or maybe it's just the wine talking...
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