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Wednesday, July 23, 2003
What Would Ann Eat
The National Review which prides itself as being...well, I'm sure it's proud of something...anyway, we're supposed to take it seriously, I suppose. So what are we to make of guest columns like this?
So, I'm barreling down I-95, on a 200-mile excursion, when yellow arches loom on the horizon, and I instinctively tap the brakes.
I have four kids, see, from 10 months to 10 years, and long car trips with them require multiple McFlurries. But this time, I'm traveling alone and have no good reason to stop. But I really, really want an ice-cream cone.
Then, from out of the blue, it hits me: WWACD?
What would Ann Coulter do?
Now, my husband and I, we're Catholic, and therefore not "What Would Jesus Do?" kind of people. I only occasionally encounter the phrase while idling behind aging minivans at busy traffic lights. (It's a cultural thing.)
But it's apparently seeped into my consciousness, as has the radiant visage of Ann Coulter, who is now — hair shining and teeth gleaming — flitting around my peripheral vision, like the proverbial tiny angel and devil dueling from opposite shoulders.
The arches beckon. The exit is here. What would Ann Coulter do? I look away resolutely and drive on.
Later, stomach growling, it occurs to me that I have hit upon a new and exciting weight-reducing plan, one that will rapidly dispatch my marshmallow tummy and propel me to diet-book fame. The South Beach Diet will be toast soon. It's time for the Ann Coulter/Strom Thurmond Diet, based on two principles: WWACE, and an egg.
The Ann Coulter part is self-evident. Dieters on my plan will receive a WWACE lapel pin or beaded bracelet, and when it's time to eat, they'll simply ask the question, "What Would Ann Coulter Eat?"
The answer, of course, most of the time will be "Nothing!"
No, Ann Coulter won't eat that McDonald's cone! No, she won't eat fried shrimp! No, she won't eat a slice of the birthday cake (butter-recipe yellow, with white frosting) that my grandmother just lovingly prepared!
Ann Coulter weighs maybe 90 pounds soaking wet. As far as I can tell, she eats only celery and flaxseeds. But it is a finely constructed 90 pounds, and I aspire to look like her. In this society of guiltless consumption — created, I think, by the recent decline in stern nuns — the specter of Ann Coulter inspecting our dietary choices can only do us, as a nation, some good.
Actually the Ann Coulter Diet is simpler than most people suspect.
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