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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
"I don't mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one."
Via RubberNun and Sysiphus Shrugged I came across a horror story of another kind:
Real-life lovers Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are set to appear in a remake of the classic love story Casablanca - marking their third on-screen collaboration.
The engaged Hollywood superstars will take on the roles made famous by Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in 1942.
A friend of the impossibly good looking duo says, "They are overjoyed. It is the chance for them to show their talents together."
Their first two on-screen appearances together Tough Love and Jersey Girl will both be released this autumn.
My first thought was truly Conrad-esque: 'The horror! The horror!', but then I moved on and just became aggravated (which, as my wife would tell you, is my normal state when combined with a smirk). The more I thought about it the more it, well... pissed me off. That these media creature/things who, based on previous performances, obviously took the short bus to acting class, think they can take a grand old film like Casablanca and remake it in their images. And I have to be honest, I like Casablanca, but it's not in my Top Ten. But just the idea of Ben Friggin' Affleck playing Rick Blaine is enough to make John Ashcroft stop believing in God. And I don't even want to think about the spectacularly multi-untalented J-Lo reprising the role of Ilsa. Although the film has yet to be cast, the idea that Matt Damon could play Renault and Freddie Prinz Jr could end up as Victor Lazlo would be enough to conjure up all the elements required to make: The Perfect Crap Storm.
Normally I would just move along and try to ignore the inevitable media blitz, but that would be wrong. I would be remiss if I didn't try to do something, anything to avert this tragedy before it happens. But what to do...what to do? Since I'm not a member of the Green Party I lack their street theater savvy as well as the requisite skills to construct an enormous papier-mâché puppet, the likes of which have shamed so many evil corporate criminals into becoming solid Earth-conscious citizens with more than a passing interest in hemp. So...I started a petition, because nothing says " I'm mad as hell and so are all these other people, so you better do something about it, Buster!" like a petition.
You can find the petition here...unless, of course, Petition Online is just a quisling for the dominant entertainment paradigm (which is a real cool sounding slur if you ever get a chance to use it).
Remember, if you don't sign, J-Lo and Ben win, and then you’re just a running dog lackey for the dominant entertainment paradigm and posterity will hate you, or at the very least won’t ask you over to watch Buffy reruns.
It’s your choice.
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