Saturday, November 30, 2002
National Retail Emergency Announced
With over $1.43 billion in sales on November 29, Wal-Mart has seriously depleted the United States Strategic Crap Reserve, leaving the country dangerously low. Manufacturers are adding additional shifts to crank out more Zip & Zoom Shannens, Dancing Ostriches, Spiderman bedsets, creepy nightmarish Diva Starz Fashion dolls, and Alan Jackson CD's.
The 23% of Americans who are morbidly obese will be happy to know that sales of stockpiled Segways stayed flatter than Dick Cheney's EKG, meaning that they may still be able to obtain one, speeding up that run from the couch to the kitchen to grab a 2 liter of Royal Crown Cola and a handful of Little Debbie Cakes without all the walking and huffing and puffing and sweating.