Monday, September 04, 2006

Following the inspirational words of Californian Adam Gadahn, thousands of Americans have begun immediately converting to Islam--most choosing to convert to the conservative Wahhabist tradition championed by most al-Qaeda activists (or "liberators" as CBS News anchor Fatimah al-Qurik now refers to them).

"At first, I was, like, 'ohmyga-a-ahd, whateverrr'," reports Jihad al-Lohan , also of California, "But then Brother Adam was all, 'We invite all Americans and unbelievers to Islam,' and he is such a hottie, like my first bf, Fez, and I'm so, 'f'real, like'? But it's totally there in that video. And now I'm totally into it, although my hijab needed like drastic alterations, y'know?"

Now in cities, small towns, and suburban shopping malls across the continent, Americans are responding in droves to Gadahn's call for conversion to the messege of Mohammed, may his name be blessed by a thousand angels. In Minneapolis at the Mall of America, new converts gathered outside the Macy's outlet and chanted, in apparent confusion, "Death to Carter! Death to the Shah!" before heading inside and decapitating the giant Snoopy from atop the indoor roller coaster.

Included in Gadahn's widely heralded plea for conversion of the unbelievers was a special call for American troops in Iraq to leave their posts, convert to Islam, and join the Jihad to free the Arabian peninsula of foriegn occupiers.

"You know that if you die as an unbeliever in battle against the Muslims, you're going straight to hell without passing Go," Gadahn said on the video, addressing American soldiers. "You know you're considered by Bush and his bunch of warmongers as nothing more than expendable cannon fodder."

Now-AWOL American Sergeant Hayim bin-Fayed says he understood Gadahn's message immediately. "Used to be these al-Qaeda types would make their videos, y'know, and say infidel this and jihad that and just go on and on about Allah-knows-what. But this Gadahn guy, he talks to us like normal people. Me and my buddies were sitting around our Green Zone barracks watchin Lost when Brother Gadahn's video pops on and we all go, 'He said "straight to hell without passing Go"? Holy sh!t, that's a reference to the Parker Brother's beloved family board game, Monopoly!' It was like a light bulb just went off.

"I think most of us converted right there on the spot," adds Sergeant bin-Fayed, formerly known as Vincent Peterson of Decatur, IL. "Now we're all bookin' it to the Holy Land to praise Mohammed, may he rest in paradise with a thousand Gameboys."

"It's like a ghost town around here," says American CentCom commander John Abizaid. "I go down to the PX to get me a roll of Mentos and a Mountain Dew... and the place is utterly deserted. Later I found one cashier back in the stock room kneeling to pray towards Mecca. I had to wait till he was finished, but at least I could get my Dew on."

While the security situation remains uncertain in occupied Iraq, it is clear that al-Qaeda came up with a master stroke in placing a young hip American on it's latest come-to-Allah videos, resulting in massive spontaneous conversions based solely on the hip street lingo of this charming young Cali-born jihadist, Adam "Azzam the American" Gadahn.

"Instead of killing yourself for Bush . . . why not surrender to the truth (of Islam), escape from the unbelieving army and join the winning side? Time is running out, so make the right choice before it's too late," Gadahn says in his July 7th video release--now enjoying constant looping replay on the recently reformatted MTV, a network which still retains its old name, but insists the M no longer stands for "music".

Americans, most of whom once supported leaving the Middle East, now seem to want to stay over there, but switch sides in the fight. And it's all due to this sexy young genius of Allah-fearing manhunk, Adam Gadahn.