posted by tbogg at 7:17 AM

|

Thursday, June 24, 2004

 

The Conservative Book Club

Bill Clinton, who has written more books than George Bush has read, apparently has quite a fan base among the right-wing side of the aisle who took time out of their busy lives fighting Islamofascism overseas...pulling their own children out of Ivy League universities and sending them off to war...making their wives perform at live sex clubs...appearing on Fox TV to give opinions on things they know nothing about. It seems they have already read all 950-plus pages of Bill Clinton's book that was just released today... and they still managed to get a column written about it. Let's check in!:

Ann Coulter's (titled Moby's Dick) is chock full of sexual wordplay (and not even clever wordplay at that)

If we're so obsessed with it, why do they keep bringing it up? OK, uncle. You win, Mr. President. If I buy a copy of your book, will you just shut up once and for all, go away, and never come back? It will cost me $35, but, judging strictly by weight, that isn't a bad price for so much cow manure. At 957 pages, this is the first book ever published that contains a 20-minute intermission. Readers are advised to put it down and read a passage from Clinton's 1988 Democratic National Convention speech nominating Dukakis just to stay awake. This thing is so long, he almost called it "War and Peace." Or, I suppose, more properly, "War and a Piece."

that seems to indicate that penis envy is alive and well...even in a woman blessed with a vestigial one (a penis, that is). Final verdict: she hasn't read it but at least she finally admits that Bill's packing serious heat.

Emmett Tyrell went looking for his name and found a nit to pick and says "You can look it up" and provides us with this lame defense:

After a year of fully cooperating with the government inquiry, I could savor -- as can any fair-minded American -- the final judgment of the grand jury's investigation of the Spectator. Encapsulated in the independent counsel's press release, it reads: "After conducting an independent investigation into allegations the David Hale may have received payments to influence his testimony in matters within the jurisdiction of the Office of the Independent Counsel (OIC), the Office of Special Review has concluded that ‘many of the allegations, suggestions and insinuations regarding the tendering and receipt of things of value were shown to be unsubstantiated or, in some cases, untrue.'"

Further, the Office of Special Review concluded that: "In some instances, there is little if any credible evidence establishing that a particular thing of value was demanded, offered or received. In other instances, there is insufficient credible evidence to show that a thing of value was provided or received with the criminal intent defined by any of the applicable statues." (my emphasis)

It doesn't get more definitive than that. Final verdict: Went into Borders and looked in the index for his name. Then sat around drinking free refills of coffee until they closed. Didn't read the book either.

Suzanne Fields is content to just quote other reviewers but what she really wants is some hot Bill-on-women action...and he wasn't forthcoming enough:

Clinton is naturally reticent about some of his women, beginning with Juanita Broderick, who accused him, credibly, of raping her when he was Arkansas attorney general. Then there's Paula Jones, whom he finally paid a lot of money to go away, and the newly widowed Kathleen Willey, whom he harassed when she called to seek a job. The ex-president tells Dan Rather that he doesn't consider his impeachment a "stain" on his reputation - a particularly inept metaphor considering Monica's famous little cocktail dress - even if the rest of us do.

Verdict: obviously hasn't read the book...but would if Jackie Collins had ghostwritten it.

Brent Bozell took time out from watching 73 hours of TV a day looking for exposed nipples, potty humor, and new expressions for the mythical "blowjob" sexual act that he has only heard of. Brent demonstrates how culturally "hip" he is by referencing a movie that came out 24 years ago:

So Bill Clinton has written a 957-page book about his life. It appears to be the literary equivalent of the movie "Airplane!" in which the main character, Ted Striker, kept trying to bore captive passengers with his life story, as they all killed themselves rather than listen to him drone on and on and on.

Bozell fails to mention that Airplane also contains a scene where Julie Haggerty provides, hmmm, how should I put it...oral relief to the inflatable autopilot. But, then again, the movie was shot twenty-four years ago, a time before blowjobs came into existence (no matter what they say about Nancy Reagan), so maybe Brent was as unfamiliar with the act then as he is now. Regardless, he obviously hasn't read the book, and he's more of a TV guy anyway. Maybe he'll just wait for the mini-series which includes this scene where Kenneth Starr (on the right) coaches Linda Tripp(on the left) before her Grand Jury testimony.

I didn't really read Gary Aldrich's review because I was fascinated by all the big spaces between sentences. So I guess Gary gets paid by the inch and not by the word. Final verdict:




He




didn't




read




it




either.